I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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