he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
