Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
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Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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