I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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