well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Randomize
