A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
