Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
