all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
