i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
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The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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