he puts the penis in happiness.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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