So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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