stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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