so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
