I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
