I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
