I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
