I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
