My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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