lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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