when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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