Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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