im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just forgot I was standing up.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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