between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
