After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
