3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
