You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
