There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
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i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
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I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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