Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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