Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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