I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
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It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
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Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Damn victory sex feels great
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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