No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
