She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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