I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
