oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm at about main and main street
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
