so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
