Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
