That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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