my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
