it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
