I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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