My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
