this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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