new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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