if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
