I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
