my mouth tastes like poor choices
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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