3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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