Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
honey bunches of taint.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
