I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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