My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
