If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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