I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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