I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
