I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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