So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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