so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
