Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
